…of depression. (I wouldn’t really call it ‘despair’ – things aren’t that bad, yet. And I’d like to also caveat this with the fact that troubles are all relative…and in the big picture, I know my woes are nothing other than my pity-party. but in my personal world, they are relatively big.)
I need to vent. Rant. Rail. Whatever the correct term may be…but I need to get some of this out. I feel like I have plunged down into an ever-deepening pit and can’t seem to crawl my way back out.
It really all started this winter with the stress-fracture in my leg. I had to stop running. In the process, I seemed to stop doing everything. Or at least stop caring about much of anything. I quit blogging. I quit eating right. I quit cleaning my house (except for the very basics like dishes, general vacuuming, laundry). I quit being nice to my boyfriend (sorry, honey).
This Spring there was a period where I seemed to finally be coming back up into the light – I paid off my truck (woohoo!) and I wanted to join a gym where I could hire some extra one-on-one help and have access to low-impact machines like ellipticals and bikes so I could get stronger before jumping right back into pounding on my bones (which apparently don’t like that much when it happens all at once). I was semi-motivated to get back into things. Those ideas were all fine and dandy until my AC crapped out (see previous entry). That set me back every red cent I had set aside for “extra” stuff.
Once again I feel like I am deeper than ever in this hole. I am not sure how, or even if, I will be able to fund my trip home in June to meet my new niece and see my family. I definitely can’t join a gym any time soon. And let’s just hope there aren’t any medical emergencies or car emergencies in the coming months.
I try to be proud of the fact that I live (mostly) on a single income. I take care of my menagerie (they are my kids), own my vehicle outright, and own my home (rather the bank does, but I do an excellent job of paying them for it a bit at a time). However, doing all that on a single income is no easy task and leaves little room for extras and can be close to devastating when unexpected large expenses come up. I should add that I do not have large savings because I’ve been digging myself out of self-inflicted debt…and I’m almost there! But not using credit makes things that much tighter in the process.
Now I feel like I am starting over again at square one. It is frustrating, somewhat overwhelming, and in general makes me wonder why I try at all…especially when looking at all the “entitled” folks out there these days that I am also supporting. But I won’t get into too much political debating here. I feel like throwing in the towel, opening a new credit card account and saying ‘screw it’.
I won’t. But I want to.
Maybe someday I will find an exceedingly wealthy sugar-daddy who will support me financially and with whom I will never have to worry about money again…but that day isn’t anywhere in the near future.
In the meantime, I need to find some motivation to start taking care of myself again. At the very least, to start eating right. Maybe I’ll even find the energy and will-power to get out and walk. And I will go back to scrimping and saving until I have a new emergency fund established. Maybe next year the gym will happen. Heck, maybe next year I’ll meet the guy who owns the gym and not have to worry about it at all!
Thanks for reading my pity-party. I’ll get through and over it just fine…I know this, but it still helps a lot to get it out.
P.S. I also need to start taking pictures again. Just sayin…
P.S.S. Must also get Whitewater Center pass thing activated so I can use it…