Two Steps Forward, One Step Back…

At least this leaves me here with a gain of one!

At the beginning of September I began a journey to change my lifestyle to a healthier, more active one. And overall, things are going very well. I am definitely moving in the right direction. But it has also been an incredible learning experience. Mostly, learning about myself.

I would never consider myself an “emotional” eater, but over the past month or so I’ve found that isn’t actually true. I am somewhat of an emotional eater. I don’t binge or go off the deep end with junk food. What I do is get lazy when I am down. I eat maybe one total meal a day. I never eat a complete, balanced meal. And I end up perpetuating feeling like crap.

In October I finally had to say goodbye to Sadie. I thought I was doing OK with it…I mean, I miss her terribly and her passing has definitely left a giant hole in our household, but overall I was holding it together. That is, I thought so until I took a hard look at what was happening. I was going to bed around 8pm; on weekends I was sleeping in until 9am or later; I drank coffee and would maybe have a banana or an apple; for dinner I’d have a salad, or maybe cereal, or cheese and crackers. I only managed about three workouts a week. I felt (still feel) like absolute garbage.

It has been good to learn this about myself, that I fall back into these terrible, low cycles. As a result, I am trying (emphasis on the trying) to use resources available to me to keep me going and try to avoid falling into these pits, or at least to get help climbing back out faster than I have in the past. Yes, I do realize what I am describing are very typical depression symptoms. And no, they aren’t new to me, I’ve just never paid much attention before now. And no, I am not going to go see a doctor (at least not so long as I am still self-sustaining and functional in everyday life). The best part is that in addition to recognizing all of this, I have also had enough time with my new lifestyle choices to see how much they help when I get like this. And now I can also be more aware of things that might trigger the downward spiral.

So, after a month of wallowing in my dark place, I am determined to end the year strong. Getting back on the trail and continuing my journey. There is no real end goal, just to trying to live each day a little better than the one before. Improve myself mentally as well as physically so I can enjoy the prime of my life to the fullest.

I am nearly back to square one with my weight, but I suspect that will be a relatively quick fix as it looks like I’ve kept off the inches, despite my falling back into terrible eating habits. With that, it’s time to say goodbye to November and welcome in a most spectacular December!

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