Two Steps Forward, One Step Back…

At least this leaves me here with a gain of one!

At the beginning of September I began a journey to change my lifestyle to a healthier, more active one. And overall, things are going very well. I am definitely moving in the right direction. But it has also been an incredible learning experience. Mostly, learning about myself.

I would never consider myself an “emotional” eater, but over the past month or so I’ve found that isn’t actually true. I am somewhat of an emotional eater. I don’t binge or go off the deep end with junk food. What I do is get lazy when I am down. I eat maybe one total meal a day. I never eat a complete, balanced meal. And I end up perpetuating feeling like crap.

In October I finally had to say goodbye to Sadie. I thought I was doing OK with it…I mean, I miss her terribly and her passing has definitely left a giant hole in our household, but overall I was holding it together. That is, I thought so until I took a hard look at what was happening. I was going to bed around 8pm; on weekends I was sleeping in until 9am or later; I drank coffee and would maybe have a banana or an apple; for dinner I’d have a salad, or maybe cereal, or cheese and crackers. I only managed about three workouts a week. I felt (still feel) like absolute garbage.

It has been good to learn this about myself, that I fall back into these terrible, low cycles. As a result, I am trying (emphasis on the trying) to use resources available to me to keep me going and try to avoid falling into these pits, or at least to get help climbing back out faster than I have in the past. Yes, I do realize what I am describing are very typical depression symptoms. And no, they aren’t new to me, I’ve just never paid much attention before now. And no, I am not going to go see a doctor (at least not so long as I am still self-sustaining and functional in everyday life). The best part is that in addition to recognizing all of this, I have also had enough time with my new lifestyle choices to see how much they help when I get like this. And now I can also be more aware of things that might trigger the downward spiral.

So, after a month of wallowing in my dark place, I am determined to end the year strong. Getting back on the trail and continuing my journey. There is no real end goal, just to trying to live each day a little better than the one before. Improve myself mentally as well as physically so I can enjoy the prime of my life to the fullest.

I am nearly back to square one with my weight, but I suspect that will be a relatively quick fix as it looks like I’ve kept off the inches, despite my falling back into terrible eating habits. With that, it’s time to say goodbye to November and welcome in a most spectacular December!

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Um…hello?

Wow. I half expected to see cobwebs hanging off the page and all when I logged into this site today. Needless to say, it’s been a while.

My life exploded.

Nope. That isn’t right. It deflated. Everything that has happened has been a long time coming, but I really wasn’t expecting it to end the way it did (my relationship, that is). Or as suddenly as it did. It was sort of like a bouquet of cut flowers – they are dying from the get-go, but you don’t really notice they are wilting at first. And you can always sort of pick out the early faders to keep the vase looking good. But then one day, you go to add some water to it and wham. All the flowers are dead, petals everywhere and that’s it. It’s done.

Immediately following the sudden deflation of my personal life, I acquired three tiny kittens. They were around three weeks old – eyes open, ears just opening, definitely nowhere near being weaned. My neighbor found them at a job site and they couldn’t be left where they were due to construction. No sign of momma cat and he knew a shelter would have put them down. So, sucker that I am, I said, “Bring them here.” (It didn’t help that he sent me a picture of them – all three solid white fuzzballs).

Rooty (named so because he loved to root around), Patch (named because we thought he might lose an eye; thankfully, he won’t), and The Princess (she just is). Initially we had all sorts of issues. Fleas,eye infections/ulcers, dehydration, and  terrible constipation. The constipation was so extreme that I had to be taught by my vet how to give them kitty enemas at home (don’t ask – thank the skies it is over). Now everyone is healthy with the exception that both Patch and TP are going to need reconstructive eye surgery. They both have eyelid agenesis (coloboma). Essentially they are missing part of their eyelids. If they do not have the surgery they will go blind even with eye drops administered every few hours ever day of their lives. So, for now they get drops every 2-3 hours and three times a day also antibiotic ointment to stave off infections from the irritation from dryness and their fur rubbing against their eyes. In the spring we’ll do the surgery. Now if I can just get TP to wean.

Then there is Moo. The same weekend the kittens showed up, she decided to grab the brand new bottle of her allergy medicine off the kitchen counter and eat it. A 30 day supply. She almost died. Phone calls to the ASPCA animal poison control hotline, a trip to the emergency vet, and a very scary couple days. She is fine now and I am much more careful about putting everything away.

There’s my list of excuses. I have been mentally shutting down the past several months, but this past month in particular has been close to full-on hibernation. I’m working on it. Picking myself back up. Getting into a new routine. Don’t even get me started on my lack of eating and the poor nutrition of the crap I do eat. Maybe tonight I will be able to make myself cook something. Maybe in another few weeks I will even have the energy to think about exercising again. At least the thoughts are there…the actions will follow.

Into the deep, dark pit…

…of depression. (I wouldn’t really call it ‘despair’ – things aren’t that bad, yet. And I’d like to also caveat this with the fact that troubles are all relative…and in the big picture, I know my woes are nothing other than my pity-party. but in my personal world, they are relatively big.)

I need to vent. Rant. Rail. Whatever the correct term may be…but I need to get some of this out. I feel like I have plunged down into an ever-deepening pit and can’t seem to crawl my way back out.

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